INLAWS & OUTLAWS

Some daughters are in.
Others are out. Especially the variety that marries your son.
In that sense they are like Quarks: some are Up, Top and Charming, the others Down, Bottom and Strange.
Just so we are clear, the latter are also called Daughters-in-Law presumably to soften / blur the fact that they are considered outlaws.

The TV channels do a roaring line in Mum-in-Law  and Daughter-outlaw spats. While multitasking with a multitude of electronic devices (mobile, iPad and surfing on a laptop) I keep a sharp ear open for the inlaw-outlaw spats; and there's plenty. Surf any domestic channel and you will find it hard to avoid. This used to be the staple of Bollywood movies too, but ever since they discovered colour film, skimpy clothes and Swiss locales, they have moved on.

The outlaws are outlaws by birth. Not for us the new-fangled theories on nurture Vs nature. By not being born in a family you become an outlaw in that family, if you are a girl. Our girls are well mannered, well brought up, accomplished and full of social graces, lively, dont talk too much nor too little, etc etc. All round good eggs, if you dont mind a non-vegetarian analogy. Outlaws on the other hand are the antithesis of all of the above. By definition.

There is a saying in Tamil that if an outlaw breaks a utensil, it is considered made of bronze (presumably when this originated bronze was the most expensive metal known to them) and if it was was broken by the inlaw it is a mere clay pot. An outlaw can't win.Again by definition

In the TV versions, the inlaws are stately matrons impeccably coiffed and made up with row upon row of pearls and gold around their necks. Somewhat broad of beam too, to use a shipping analogy. They dont so much as walk as float while making an appearance. If only they were less substantial I would have said they waft in. They only come in one version: strong willed and steely eyed; eagle eyed for the errors, omissions and misdemeanors of the outlaws.

An outlaw cannot win, by definition. If the son of the family is thin, she doesnt feed him enough. If he is obese, she feeds him too much. If she makes him work out, the dear darling is being made to sweat it out; if she doesn't, she doesn't care for him. Is she tames his wild bachelor ways, he is henpecked; if she doesn't, she is herself wild. An outlaw has to learn to cook but not nearly as well as her inlaw; god help her if she attempts to go one better. You see, the inlaw's view of the son hasn't grown up with the latter: a son is one that needs to be kept happy at both ends. Since he has stopped wearing diapers (never mind that many don't start wearing the pants even after they get married) the only thing accessible to the inlaw is the inlet. An outlaw must never compete with the inlaw for access to this.

An outlaw has to survive in a hostile ecosystem consisting of different female members of the inlaw family. The latter are capable of what Einstein described as "spooky action at a distance"; so splitsville is no use, even assuming that one succeeds in beating a separate path. The men usually are mute spectators and prefer to let the females enjoy their little games. So the outlaw has no option but to focus on her own little darling and hope that when he grows up she can have  her day. Do unto other what was done unto you, etc.  And thus the cycle repeats itself.

When the outlaw happens to be your own, her inlaws become the outlaws.